Tattoos Part 2

This is probably my favorite tattoo and the one I get complimented on the most often. It is a Buddhist dharma wheel and was done in two sittings, mostly because I was being wishy washy about it. I had the wheel itself done a few years before the petals and coloring were added on. I got tired of people asking me if I was into either pirates or sailors, so it needed prettying up.

When I got out of the Army in 1997, I was an overemotional mess and questioning so many things about the world and my place in it. So, I was a  typical 19 year old girl. I had also come to the realization that I no longer felt secure in the faith that I had chosen in high school when that faith no longer brought me comfort during the most painful and trying times of the previous year in the military.

I moved from Texas to Wisconsin on a whim and took a sabbatical of sorts to clear the muddles and choose a new path. I lived in a farmhouse in the middle of a cornfield and began reading about Buddhism. For the first time in my life, the universe made sense. I had been ready to let go of a deity but not yet at a place in my journey to let go of a belief system, so Buddhism fit in the space where I still needed faith and ritual.

The dharma wheel is a beautiful symbol of Buddha’s teachings and it has been a daily reminder of how following the Eightfold Path guided me to sanity and peace in a way that nothing else did.

 

After I had Perrin, I wanted a way to commemorate how parenthood gave me this wonderful new label to add to all my other kooky labels. And it was oh so fashionable at the time to get Kanji symbols, so of course, I HAD to have one too. So I got the Kanji symbol for “Mom” tattooed on the back of my neck. I researched this one quite a bit and even asked a friend of Jennifer’s, who is Chinese, and he verified that it is, indeed, the symbol for “Mom.” However, just this  past summer a random old Chinese dude came up to me and told me it means “lady horse,” so I may very well be sporting a crazy, stupid American tattoo, which is extremely hilarious. I have had this tattoo for 8 years, and he’s the only person who told me it didn’t mean “Mom,” so I’m going to assume he was just trying to freak me out.

 

Underneath my possible “lady horse” tattoo I have “This too shall pass” in my  mother’s handwriting. It’s one of my most meaningful tattoos, and I regret getting it put on the back of my neck because this means I never get to see it. It was a surprise tribute to my mom, who helped me through a lot with these words. I have the best mom in the world and feel honored to carry her wisdom with me for the rest of my life.

Well, that’s all for today. There are frivolous, cutesy tattoos coming up.

Tattoos–Part 1

I am addicted to tattoos. I have been tattooed 14 times but only have 12 visible tattoos, as two of them are coverups.

I got my first tattoo on my 18th birthday. I had wanted one since I was in middle school, and I promised myself I’d get one as soon as I was legally able to. A few of my good friends and I drove to Abilene and stopped at a kind of shady shop where the dude who tattooed me looked like Biker Santa. I told him what I wanted, and he drew it up in five seconds, slapped it on, and away we went.  It cost me $30, and it faded in just a few weeks because I didn’t take proper care of it. I did all of the things the dude told me not to, including taking a damn bath and picking at it when it started to peel. It actually had color at one time.  The funny thing is, I wasn’t exactly “allowed” to get tattooed while still living with my parents. Mom didn’t care at all, but my dad was very against them, and told me frequently that women with tattoos were seen as trashy. So I hid this with tall socks for about a month before they saw it. Mom thought it was adorable, and Dad just sort of shrugged since it was a little late to do anything about it.   Here’s what it looked like this summer before I got it covered. I kept this damn thing for 16 years, and I’m happy it’s gone.

This summer, my good friend Jane and I went together to get tattoos. She got her kiddo’s names, and I got this covered up with a gorgeous traditional style peony.

I much prefer this. I am wildly in love with floral tattoos, and all of my favorite tattoos are floral themed.

When I was 21, I fell madly in love with this boy and moved to San Marcos in an impulsive expression of romance to be with him.  When we were dating, we would hang out at Sewell Park, and the river was swarmed by dragonflies the entire summer. Every time I saw one, I thought of this boy, so I got a tattoo on my back to remind me of him and how crazy I was about him.  To this day, John says this is his favorite of my tattoos.

 

I married that boy, and on our 10th wedding anniversary, we got matching tattoos of a cute little symbol I used to draw with finger paints with our son when he was a toddler. It’s a representation of our quirky little family, and it’s the first (and likely only) tattoo I’ve been able to talk John into getting.  John, Perrin, and I have been through more than a lot of families have gone through in our lives together, and I am quite confident this is the forever kind of bond, so I don’t worry about any kind of curse of the couple’s tattoos. John is the only one for me, and I am the only one for him. And Perrin is that piece of the puzzle that completes our picture.

 

And the last one I’ll write about today are my “bro tats” or more appropriately, “ho tats.” My sisters and I are ridiculously close, so while I was still living in Austin, Jen and I got these cute matching Celtic hearts. Stephanie is 11 years younger than me, so she had to wait a couple of years before she could get hers. Jen and I both had a weird reaction to the green ink, so ours were faded a little by the time Steph got hers, which is why hers is so much brighter. We took this pic right after Steph’s was completed. It was also done by a different artist who didn’t feel comfortable copying someone else’s work, so hers has different (and better) shading than ours.

Much more to come!!!

Hair Adventures or How I Spent My Summer

 

Going from black to blonde – all the trauma I put my hair through this summer.

I have a long history of risk-taking when it comes to my hair style and color. It has been hot pink, purple, black, and orange. I have bleached it 3 times and shaved it off twice – both following disastrous bleaching experiments. Then I discovered the beauty of the internet and realized that if I was going to try a drastic change, I was going to do my research. I also didn’t want to spend hundreds of dollars at a salon that may or may not have wrecked my hair any worse than I could do myself.

My natural hair color is very close to my husband’s dark brown. The picture below is with fairly recently dyed blue/black hair I acquired with a box dye – it was most likely Garnier because it’s my favorite. I dig having black hair because I have wicked blue eyes, and they really pop the darker my hair is. However, I also get bored rather quickly and needed a change. So why the hell not go from black to blonde? I’m not overly attached to my hair, and I keep it pixie short, so if I mess it up, it’s no huge loss. However, I also have a wedding to go to in 2 months, so I figured it might be quite a catastrofuck if I shaved it off beforehand. To the internet!!

I did some quick searches on how to safely and cheaply strip hair dye, and then spent a couple of weeks washing with Head and Shoulders followed by a few treatments of baking soda mixed with shampoo to lighten up the black. Ended up being a reddish toned very dark brown. A bit dry, but conditioned the hell out of it for weeks. Then it was time for the hard core stuff.

Step one: August 28 - I used Color Oops and followed every step to the letter, including rinsing under warm water for the full 25 minutes and washing after every 5. Be sure if you do this not to let your kiddo in the shower before you, lest you run the risk of running out of hot water, which is what happened to my ass. The outcome was a medium, caramel color. A little brassy, but absolutely free of black dye. Used John Frieda’s shampoo and deep conditioner for blonde hair daily. Conditioned a couple of times for up to 15 minutes. Hair was soft, shiny, and healthy. Waited a week before bleaching. Cost $9

Step two – Sept 4. Used L’oreal’s Super Blonde kit to get to yellow roots and orange-yellow, brassy tone to the rest of hair. A little dry at the ends, but not damaged. Followed up with 20 minutes of conditioning with John Frieda’s blonde. As you can see, this is less than the ideal outcome, which I found out is exactly what is supposed to happen.  One does not simply bleach hair into a blonde. One has to tone the hell out of that noggin. Went to Sally Beauty Supply and stocked up on supplies to fix this mess. Cost $10

Step three – same day – mixed whole bottle of Wella color charm T18 Lightest Ash Blonde with 2 parts Salon Care Volume Crème Volume 20. Combed evenly through damp hair and left on for 30 minutes . After rinsing it out, put on a protein conditioner Ion Repair Solutions, put on shower cap, and conditioned for 20 minutes. Blow-dried using cold setting. Not much improvement after first application. Put more toner blend on the more orangey parts for 30 more minutes. Then another 20 minutes with the protein conditioner. Still kinda orangey, so I tossed on some Quick Blue bleach mixed with the Vol 20 developer. Let sit for about 45 minutes. Total cost of all supplies at Sally - $26.

Still a bit more orange than I would like. Read dozens of tutorials on getting platinum hair, and I found this fabulous one here. http://kristadior.kristardesign.com/tag/how-to-get-orange-out-of-bleached-hair/

She has the exact white shade I’ve been dying to have, so I ordered some Manic Panic Virgin Snow toner (Amazon $12). While waiting for it to arrive, I washed with John Frieda’s tone correcting purple shampoo ($6) and continued to use the Ion Repair conditioner daily.

September 17, 2012 – Got the manic panic and per loads of tutorials put it on freshly washed hair, put on a shower cap, and hung out for about an hour and a half. It left my hair remarkably soft and shiny, but it did not remove enough yellow for my liking. It looks like another trip to Sally for a 3^rd freaking bleaching. The sales lady at Sally is becoming my guru. Should probably put her on speed dial.

September 18, 2012 – Covered entire head with Quick Blue packet and 2.5 oz of Vol 20 developer. Did the roots too, since they are starting to peek through a bit. Covered with shower cap and left on for 50 minutes. Rinsed and shampooed. Applied Manic Panic again, covered with shower cap and put under blow dryer for about 5 minutes, then taught a few reading lessons to the boy child, and rinsed in cold water per the tub’s instructions. Total time was probably an hour. STILL YELLOW!!!! Plus, I had missed a patch of roots behind my right ear, so I spot bleached the top portion in front and the root patch and left on for another 35 minutes. Put on more Manic Panic (this stuff is so gentle and conditioning!) and left on for about 25 more minutes. Rinsed out in cold water again and put on my Ion Repair conditioner.

At last, I have achieved a pale blonde that is sort of lemon yellow. I can live with it. I’ve bleached it 4 times overall in the last 3 weeks, conditioned the hell out of it, and there’s been no damage. I got a trim after the 2^nd bleaching, and the stylist said it was still in great condition. I may purchase the Roux toner or a stronger toning shampoo designed for peeps with gray hair.

I kept it this shade for about 3 weeks before realizing I am NOT a blonde. It seriously washed me out, and made my skin look really weird. So, after several hours of walking around with some kind of product on my head, probably eating away at my brain in the process, I just hopped back on the Garnier wagon and covered that whole mess up with my usual shade of bright ass red.

However, now that I have stripped my hair so ridiculously, the red bleeds during every wash, and I look like Janet Leigh every time I take a shower. I have been dyeing my hair every 4 weeks now and using a protein filler I got at Sally for 20 minutes beforehand, which is only now, 4 months later, keeping the color in longer. I am now using Manic Panic Pillarbox Red ever 3 weeks to maintain the bright, crazy girl tone.  I am also growing it out so I can do true rockabilly victory rolls, so it’s a shaggy mess at the moment.

So, the moral of my hair experience is that you should never be afraid to try something dramatically different. It is entirely possible to go from black to blonde to red with very little damage to your hair if you do it slowly and gently. Will I ever do it again? Very likely not. Blonde may look great on my little sister, but it does not suit everyone. And I never did get that ice blonde, Gwen Stefani shade, but that’s okay. This girl is a redhead. Pure and simple.

Crafting for couples

John and I shared the same New Year’s resolution to work harder on making our house feel more like our home. To this point, we haven’t done a lot of renovations besides painting to give it that feeling. It still feels like someone else’s house sometimes, especially with the rather grotesque yellow walls in the family room.

In the spring we are repainting that room a light gray, painting all the dark brown doors black, and installing skylights to give it more natural light. In the meantime, we have been doing smaller things to make our furniture flow with our style and color schemes.

We inherited this green dresser from John’s family that we used as Perrin’s changing station when he was a baby. Since then it’s been in my office as a storage unit for knitting supplies.

I decided to move it to our bedroom and realized that it didn’t really match our plum colored walls and dark gray comforter, so John and I in our ongoing obsession with pinterest, found a great picture of a shiny black dresser with decoupaged book pages on it. We were sold!

Step One: We scrubbed the hell out it, of course, and then primed it like a good boy and girl should.

Step Two: Broke off into two teams to console the boy child who had become bored and emotional waiting to play a video game with us.

Step Three: Using a foam roller, slapped on the first coat of this.

We wanted it to be smooth and shiny; however, for some reason the foam roller created a quadrillion tiny bubbles all over the surface of the dresser. I googled that mess and discovered that you really need to use a brush to get a smooth surface, leading us to step four.

Step Four: Argue a little bit about whether to proceed with the roller or send one of us in the freezing cold to Home Depot to get a brush.

Step Five: Proceed with roller primarily due to tiredness and frustration. Not too shabby. It ended up being really pretty even though it doesn’t have that slick Pottery Barn feel to it.

Step Six: THE FUN PART!! I have had this old book since childhood that had half Grimm’s Fairy Tales and half Anderson’s. It’s crazy old and kind of falling apart, and both John and I went bananas over the illustrations and slightly discolored pages which would give the drawers an antiquey feel to them. So I ripped out all the illustrations and my favorite lines from various stories. I’m a Grimm girl myself, so I made sure to grab all the Red Riding Hood and Snow White delights to be the forefront of the pieces.

I am a book lover, so I know that this might seem like a massacre, but I believe that if a books its on a shelf for 20 years and will fall apart if you try to read it, transforming it into art is  a beautiful  resurrection for it.

Step Seven: Once I had all the pieces I wanted to be front and center, I went around the edges with the straight edged pages and, using Mod Podge and a foam brush, started gluing and tucking. This was the most challenging part of the process and took quite awhile to get it lined up perfectly on all the corners. My OCD loved it! This part took about 40 minutes per drawer.

Once the corners were all slapped on and tightened up to perfection, I slathered on another thin layer of Mod Podge to the corners and the areas where the pages overlapped.

Step Eight: I took all those fabulous illustrations and quotes and tore around the ages and played with their placement until I was happy. I wanted each drawer to have at least three pictures along with a section of the story it belonged with. Using a thick sponge, I smoothed another layer of Mod Podge over the entire surface of the dresser and proceeded to the next one. Once they were all dry, I rubbed another layer over the top to give it added strength and prevent the torn edges from rolling up at all.

Step Nine: We let it all dry overnight, put the knobs back on and HUZZAH! A dresser is reborn!

It is now beside my bed and is the new home of my cherished hand knit sweaters. Every day I will get to read about what big eyes the wolf has, how Snow White is the fairest of them all, and Hansel and Gretel tricked the witch. A little bit of me, a little bit of John, and a whole lot of character. We love it!

A phoenix rises

This blog has been dead for two years. The two years where I let life pull me in primarily one direction and one direction only. Parenting. I haven't really been knitting, but that's mostly because I grew slightly weary of dropping $50 on beautiful yarn, following a pattern, and then not getting the size adjustments right so that the damn thing looked wretched on my awkwardly shaped body. So I took a break and just haven't really picked it back up. That's okay. I have other things.

One year ago, I pulled my son out of school to homeschool him. So that's pretty much been my entire life for the last year. I kept my own self on a backburner to focus on him, and while that filled me with purpose, it has diminished my creative, artistic side to the point where I started ignoring the screaming for creation simply because there was no energy to be spent on it. I will not talk about any of that here. There's another place for all of that. This space is mine. Where I will let that other side of me shine a little brighter. Where I can play.

One huge thing that I have done for myself for the last couple of months is return to writing. I am about halfway through with a rough first draft of a memoir of my year in the Army. I'm using actual diary entries and letters that I had written to my mom, and it's been quite a journey going back there. It was a very difficult time for me, both physically and emotionally, and dredging it up has been painful at times, but I have wanted to put this out there into the world for 15 years, and now I'm finally doing it. I have no idea if anything will ever come of it, if it will get published or sit on my shelf and collect dust, but getting it all down has been incredibly rewarding. If nothing else, I will have something I can read when I'm 80 and have begun forgetting what my youth was like.

I set one primary New Year's resolution for myself, and so far, I am doing quite well. I love dressing up and going out, but I haven't done much of that for a really long time. I let being tired and overwhelmed keep my ass on a couch. I may be 35, but I still have many years left to enjoy myself. Until I actually hear the words, "This music is too loud," come out of my mouth, I will still drag my old ass to rock concerts and dance like a jackass. And until my flesh is tissue paper, I will still get tattooed.

Now, on to fashion. I have always loved clothes. My style has evolved a lot over the years, and I never fully immerse myself into one particular style because my face and body aren't exactly suited to the trends. I tried the emo/goth look in my twenties, and when we moved to the suburbs I think I was shocked into a more mainstream/homemaker look which I didn't dig. It made me feel dowdy and invisible. The fun thing about that was that people seemed a bit surprised when I pushed up a sleeve and showed off my tattoos. My latest obsession is with the rockabilly style. I've always been a little bit rockabilly, and I grew up on the music of Elvis, Roy Orbison, and Johnny Cash. I have always rocked red lipstick when I felt like it, and I live in cardigans. I bought this adorable polka dot dress for my brother in law's wedding, and it finally dawned on me that I was, indeed, a rockabilly gal.

So, in combining my two new resolutions to be leave my house more and look fabulous doing it, I present to you a shiny new ensemble.

 

This is what I wore to this rad bar called Cigars and Stripes with two of my best gallie pallies, Kate and Jane. We plopped our beautiful selves down at the bar and rocked out to two local bands, The Bomb Sawyers and The Demerits. Jane and I realized we needed to start our own band, so just as soon as she learns to play the drums, we’re in business.

Look at these badass chicks being badass

I’ve been experimenting more with makeup as well and am psychotically in love with the flicked cat-eye eyeliner. I love that I look like a rocker housewife in this and totally comfortable. Who says you gotta wear sweatpants to be comfy? On a side note, a bandana totally hides a shitty hair day.

There will be more fun and fashion and artsy fartsy posts to come. Stay tuned!

Hell's Bells! We've got a winner!

After 2 years of getting a variety of diagnoses for Perrin - ranging from autism to bipolar disorder, we finally have what I think is the most accurate diagnosis for Perrin. We went to see a neuropsychiatrist on Friday who specializes in Tourette Syndrome; this is very difficult around here, as most neurologist seem to specialize in epilepsy. He spent well over an hour with Perrin, did extensive tests that involved some sort of brain helmet thing to test for ADHD, and Perrin's diagnosis is Tourette Syndrome with severe ADHD. He said he saw no reason to believe that any of his behaviors, which often mimic autism in young children, were anything other than the typical developmental progression of TS. In fact, Perrin seemed to have outgrown many of the behaviors that led to the ASD diagnosis originally. He said this was pretty typical. I even talked with John's mom to ask if John did any of the quirky things that Perrin does that led one psychiatrist to diagnose him with autism, and of course, he did all of them. It seems that most of Perrin's issues are from the ADHD; he tested as one of the most extreme cases he has seen. This is why Perrin is behind grade level in reading, can't sit still, and is often very moody. He even showed us in the brain where all of these disorders seem to overlap, all of it centering on the area of the brain affecting Tourette's. He was brilliant! I left feeling like we finally got it right. We're going to keep him on the risperdal because it has greatly improved both his tics and his mood regulation. We are thinking of adding an ADHD med, which he says shouldn't increase his tics now that he's on meds for them. I'm hopeful.
He's moving to a general ed class in a new school after spring break. I know it will cause anxiety, and that we may see some noncompliance and meltdowns during this time, and I've made that very clear to the team that will likely be working with him. Luckily they will be sending a teacher's aide that has worked with him one on one for the last 2 years, and she'll stay with him for 2 weeks to help him with the transition. I feel that with this new challenge, he will have a fighting chance of catching up and doing well. He's such a bright, amazing kid, and I think people are finally seeing his potential. Talking with this doctor, who agreed that Perrin was very smart, I am feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time.
Since we stopped having playdates during the school week, his mood has improved vastly. He's learned at least 15 new sight words in the last 2 weeks, and his reading has significantly improved as well. I can only imagine how quickly he'll be able to progress once we get him on a good ADHD medication.

Best of everything 2010

This was a pretty damn good year for music, and I snatched up as much of the goodies as I could since I'm insanely obsessed with at least 2 of the bands that had amazing albums this year. I wasn't able to see a lot of movies in the theater this year; however, I did manage to see a few that I absolutely loved, and they will be on this list as well. So on to the list.

In no particular order (until number 1) here is my shortlist of the best albums. You'll not see Eminem or Kanye on this list because, frankly, I'm sick to death of both of them.

iamamiwhoami
For a year, Jonna Lee as iamamiwhoami slowly released several videos on youtube that had sensuality, mythology, and some badass electronica. Her identity was kept secret for months, and with each new video her face was revealed as Swedish folk singer, Jonna Lee. The story of the videos told of the legend of the mandragora, and every song was even more amazing and heartwrenching than the last. In October, the band had an online concert in the woods that was pure imagination and beauty. The band chose a fan from facebook, flew him out to Sweden, and then "sacrificed" him to nature. It was brilliant. I've honestly listened to this album on a loop for hours at a time because it is truly that outstanding.


Broken Bells
Honestly, there are few bands cooler than the merging of the lead singer from one of my all-time favorite bands, The Shins, and the supremely talented Danger Mouse (from such great bands as Gnarls Barkley). This album is bouncy and fun and sometimes dark and creepy. My favorite is "The Ghost Inside" and the video is fabulous mostly because it features the most beautiful woman in the world, Christina Hendricks.


Interpol
I do love me some moody Interpol music. Their newest album isn't as amazing as it could have been, and some songs, such as "Lights," seems to build up to a climax that doesn't come. All in all, it's a good listen. And since I'm actually going to be seeing them live for the first time in February, they go on the list from sure excitement.


The Dead Weather "Sea of Cowards"
The pure cool factor from this group makes me drool from geekdom. Seriously, you combine Jack White's paley brilliance with Alison Mosshart's sultry badassness and you get a band that is so rad I get goosebumps. Sidenote: If you don't yet have "Midnight Boom" by the Kills, I highly recommend you download that baby at this very second. You will not regret it. Even my 6 year old shakes his ass to it. I can't embed the kickass video "Die by the Drop" so here's a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0YI0UUazkU&feature=channel

The Twilight:Eclipse soundtrack
Right up front I'll say I've not read a single book or seen a single movie from this franchise, but I'll give that writer a bit of credit when I hear the soundtracks. I have zero interest in vampires that sparkle, but I'll listen to a sweet soundtrack any day. This one has quite a bit of great music on it, from the ethereal goddess herself Florence Welch to The Dead Weather. There's even a little Bat for Lashes thrown in for even more adorable goodness.


And the #1 album is, of course, Arcade Fire's "The Suburbs." This album is flawlessness at its best. Growing up in the suburbs myself and having chosen to raise my child in the burbs, a lot of this album seeps into my memories of riding my bike with my cousins to the convenient store for little pocket pies. Of having absolutely nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon but waste time in the department store or go to the movies on a Friday night. It's sometimes sweet and sometimes sour, and it's all glorious. There's the hint of escape or maybe just the understanding of what you give up to get the safety and security of the cul de sac days.


On to movies.
Can there be a "best of" list without the brilliance of "Inception?" I think not. I was actually able to see this one in the theater, and I was blown away by its inovation and intricate storyline. It didn't insult our intelligence with nothing more than impressive special effects; this was a movie with substance. It had a great plot - hey, who doesn't dig dreams - superb acting (can Ellen Page please be in more movies?), and let's face it, eye candy for the ladies. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, AND Leo? My eyes were most pleased.
Next up was Black Swan. I was mostly excited for this film because I love Swan Lake, and I loved the idea of a movie devoted to a ballerina struggling with creating the personas of both the white and black swan. The ballet in itself is breathtaking, and Natalie Portman needs an Oscar post-haste for being flawless. I completely believed that she was this sweet, innocent ballerina driven mad with obsession over being perfect. It gave great insight into the dedication and pain that goes into being a dancer, and yes, there is an incredibly hot girl-on-girl sex scene that even made me blush.
And the last film I'll mention here is Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. This movie was just plain nerdy fun. Comic books, video games, ridiculously over the top fight scenes - it was just pure nerdgasm. Michael Cera, who is now quite famous for playing the geeky underdog who somehow manages to usually get the girl, plays Scott Pilgrim, a guy who must battle his new girlfriend's 7 exes in order to win her heart. It's a great story of the baggage that we carry from one relationship to the next, and how each new person has to deal with all the shit that comes with the complicated mess that was left by the last. Plus, it's just hilarious and fun.

In personal life stuff, the very best thing that happened this year was Perrin's amazing progression in both social skills and his ability to function in school. All thanks to this incredible little pill called Risperdal. Seriously, it has saved our lives. My child learned exactly nothing in kindergarten because his moods were completely out of control, he had zero attention span, and he was constantly in a state of fight or flight. Over the summer, he learned his letters, and he has been progressively learning to read. Through the outstanding work of some incredible women in his life - these ladies will be getting their own post - my son is now spending almost half his day in a general education class and making friends. He's happy, healthy, and loving life. And so am I.

Yo Yo, Roller Coaster. Pick your metaphor

Getting an accurate diagnosis for children with neurological disorders has got to be the most unbelievably frustrating and seemingly random process. In the last year, we've been told Perrin is absolutely on the autism spectrum, unequivocally couldn't possibly be on the spectrum, is a textbook case of early onset bipolar disorder, and might just have autism-related mood disorders. So...in all of that chaos, how is a parent to even begin to know who is right? I have filled out questionaires, checked off boxes of behaviors, and Perrin has been through countless evaluations over the course of the last 2 years. At the end of it, we are still at the mercy of opinions. There's no scientific test, no blood work to be analyzed. It's just a list of characteristics that are then interpreted by a neurologist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist. And when they don't all agree, where the hell does that leave you? I've mostly listened to other moms and watched how Perrin interacts with other children on the autism spectrum, and for the most part, he's just like them. And in many ways, so very different. Because mixed in with all the sensory sensitivities, rigidity to routine, and mood swings is a 6 yr old boy with his own quirky personality. And he might line up his toys in a certain way because he has autism, or because he has OCD, or just because he likes them that way. It's simply impossible to know. I get told quite frequently that the label shouldn't matter to me; that he's still the awesome kid that he's always been. I do agree that regardless of the diagnosis, he's just Perrin. The kid who loves putting stickers on those paint swatches from Home Depot, who loves ketchup quite possibly more than any other human being on the planet, who has memorized pretty much every line from every show or movie he's ever seen, who collects every scrap of paper he touches, and who can melt anyone's heart with his smile. We go back for further testing with a neuropsychiatrist next month, and hopefully with that will come more answers. What I know now is that he's content and stable. He's learning at school, and he's making friends. He's truly enjoying his life right now, and honestly, what more could a parent want for their child?

Fun with mosaics

I'm on a knitting hiatus while I experiment with other forms of artistic expression. First up, mosaics. I was inspired years ago at my sister's wedding by these beautiful mosaics that the owner of her wedding site created all over the place. They were massive and breathtaking, with butterflies and flowers. It looked insanely fun to do, so I thought I'd give it a try. I had some tiles left over from some stepping stones made for a friend a few years back, so I busted them out and got to work.
Step one was really creating the design. I had these little cork shelves lying in my closet, so I used that as the base. Once I got the image exactly as I wanted, I used a mosaic glue to stick em on. This process took forever, but with a little help from Doctor Who, it didn't seem so tedious. End product of step one.


A few days later, I attempted the hard part. Grouting. Since this was my first try, I thought it'd be easier and more convenient to use a pre-mixed grout that came in this tube. You just sort of squeeze it out over the work and push it between the tiles. Huge mistake. The grout was very thick, and it was like squeezing cement out of a tube of toothpaste. When I finished (this whole process took nearly 45 minutes b/c of the thickness), I tried to smooth it out as nicely as I could. However, due to the thickness of the grout, this ended up basically covering the entirety of the tiles with the thick goop. According to the directions, I was supposed to wait 30 minutes and then wipe off the tiles. Well, the grout had dried so much at that point, that I had to scrape it off the tiles. This process took over an hour, leaving gouges in the grout in between the tiles that were difficult to smooth. The end result is that the grout is not level with the tiles nor is it smooth. It's rather crumbly and uneven.


It's not terrible for a first try, but definitely not the result I was hoping for. Next time I will mix the grout myself and actually use the proper grout spreading tool to get the pretty mosaic I'm aiming for.

Your songs remind me of swimming

Summer is here, but it's being very persnickety. It seems for every gorgeous sunshiney day, we get 3 crap rainy days. I've been keeping the boy quite busy at the water park, and he started his summer session at school on Monday, freeing me up a few hours a day. What I've been doing with those days is just about exactly nothing. I've been in a weird funk. Not really blue. Not really tired. Just meh. I'm sort of stuck in this creative rut where I want to make or do something, but I'm floundering when it comes to starting something. I'm not particularly in the mood to knit. What I've been kind of wanting to try is creating mosaics. I saw this gorgeous book at Michaels the other day that showed how to do it, and I felt a slight flutter of inspiration. So, I'm probably going to start glueing tiles to everything, and I feel this may be a new obsession to replace knitting...well, just for the summer. I'll be clicking needles together again in the fall, and I may even have some things up in the shop if I get my ass in gear. My problem is there's so much to do in this life.I want to write, to sing, to dance, to paint, to knit, to read, and do it all NOW! I'm always filled with this urgency, this little knot in my belly that begs me to get up and go.
But alas, that's that. My mom, stepdad, and two of my stepsisters were here last week from Texas. I got to play Chicago tour guide, and I was actually pleased with my ability to not only navigate around downtown with 8 people (my aunt and uncle went with) including Perrin, but to keep from getting too anxious, thus making Perrin anxious. The result was that they dug Chicago, but spent way too much time on public transit for anyone's liking.
We hit up the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, Lincoln Park Zoo, and my mom got to have a Chicago style hot dog, which was her only real goal. They got a real kick out of the Chicago accents, my darling son's included. It was a great time, and I wished it could go on forever.

If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away

So here's the sweater I started for Kate in February. It's a design based on a photograph of a sweater she liked at a department store. I wrote out the charts for the cable and the lace and did a helluva lotta math to get this thing right. It took the better part of 2 months to complete, but she looks cute as hell, right?
Yarn - Woolease in oxford gray - a little less than 4 full skeins
The pattern itself is based on the shape of "Bobble Blue" in Interweave Knits Spring 2006. Highly modified based on her measurements and the cable and lace patterns.
All in all, I'm very pleased with the results. This was literally the most work I've put into a sweater, and it paid off. I think she likes it :)

Florence and the Machine at House of Blues

Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine has, without a doubt, the most haunting, powerful, beautiful voice I've ever heard in my entire life. Not only is she an amazing singer, but her lyrics are so enchanting, sometimes painful that it's hard not to cry when you hear her songs. "Cosmic Love" has got to be the most beautiful song ever written in my lifetime, and she has quickly become my new favorite artist. Sorry Tori; you've been usurped.

The entire experience of this concert was amazing in every way. My darling friend Kate (my new concert buddy) and I trekked into Chicago to the House of Blues last night for the show, and we were blown away. The band started with my absolute favorite song on the album "Lungs" called "Howl" which makes me think of werewolves and Michael Jackson's "Thriller." Just awesome. The set list included pretty much every song on the album, since she only has the one album out right now. During "Drumming Song" the entire floor was literally shaking as the audience jumped up and down with the beating of the drum. Florence commented in her adorable little British voice about how awesome it was that we were making the stage shake. She took the time to talk with the audience, which I'm noticing fewer and fewer performers doing during concerts, and it's always something I loved about Tori when I saw her in Austin. It was all very cute and silly, asking us to jump up and down and raise our hands during "Rabbit Heart" and sing along, but it was much fun. Kate and I had a fabulous time, and I'm excitedly anticipating Florence's new album. If you haven't heard her, I highly recommend that you immediately buy her album. You will not regret it.

Here's the set list

1.Howl
2.Kiss With a Fist
3.Hurricane Drunk
4.My Boy Builds Coffins
5.Between Two Lungs
6.Hardest Of Hearts
7.Drumming Song
8.Cosmic Love
9.Blinding
10.I'm Not Calling You A Liar
11.Dog Days Are Over
Encore:
12.You've Got The Love
13.Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)

Shameless plea for donations :) Please read!

I have this marvelously kind friend named Stacie who rocks my socks. She is a single mother to 3 gorgeous kids, and two of them have autism. Her youngest son, Erik, was just approved for an autism service dog that will be trained to aid him, keep him safe, and be a loving companion to him. The organization, Wilderwood Service Dogs, specializes in training dogs to each specific child, a process that takes a year to complete. Please visit the website at http://autism.wilderwood.org/ to see for yourself all the wonderful things these dogs can do for a child living with autism. Unfortunately, these dogs are extremely expensive, and my friend needs help in paying for this. This is an opportunity that I would hate to see her and her family be denied because of the cost. I'm working on a few fundraising opportunities locally to help her with this cause, but she needs all the help she can get. Here's where I need you. She has opened a paypal account in Erik's name, and I'm pleading with all of you to donate if you can. I know these are hard times for everyone, but if you can donate any amount, it would mean the world to this amazing family. Stacie is a true warrior who dedicates all of her being to caring for her children, and she's the most loving mother and friend anyone who could ask for. I'll be donating any money I earn through my etsy shop, so if anybody would like to get a cute hat or sweater out of the deal, hit me up.

Donations can be made to her paypal account at eriksservicedog1@aol.com.

Thank you

Getting it right....we hope

So here's the story. Several months ago, I felt it was time to get Perrin offially diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, since we felt it would help him with getting appropriate services for school and possibly medication should he need it. His tics were getting more severe, more frequent, and his OCD was getting out of control. We took him to a neurologist, who diagnosed him on the spot. Of course this was no surprise to us since John and I both have TS. The neurologist asked me a few additional questions about Perrin, and based on the speech and social skills delays, he also said "he's on the autism spectrum." That was it. No testing. No nothing. We accepted it b/c based on our knowledge, it seemed to fit. His behavior was similar to autistic children of my friends, so we didn't really question it. Until Perrin's behavior took a turn for the worse, he began to withdraw socially, and his mood swings became much more dire. Two weeks ago, Perrin had a manic episode that lasted for days (brought on by prozac he was prescribed for OCD) that eventually led him into a depression. We took him off his meds, went to a pscyhiatrist, and he was diagnosed with early onset bipolar disorder. Based on what she saw and heard, she said she doubted the autism diagnosis entirely but wanted to hear what the psychologist said. I scheduled an intake with the psychologist, and based on the information I gave her (prior to meeting Perrin) she said that she, too, did not think he had autism. Today the psychologist evaluated Perrin and said that she saw no evidence that would lead her to believe that he was on the spectrum. That all of his symptoms fit the Tourette Syndrome with bipolar disorder diagnosis, which she wholeheartedly agreed with. We also learned that the teaching staff and social worker at his school have felt he didn't have autism for some time, and they believed he was bipolar for days before we got the diagnosis. I feel pretty confident that we've got it right this time. Does the label matter much to me? Nah, not really. Perrin is still the quirky, special, amazing, and CHALLENGING kid that he's ever been, but I know feel that he is more likely to get the appropriate therapy now. In fact, we are starting behavioral therapy this weekend with a specialist in early onset bipolar disorder. She will help us teach the school how to teach him, how to prevent his aggressions, and understand him a little bit better. So that's where things stand now. All of the pain and chaos we've been through for the past few months finally has a face to it, and with medication and therapy, I'm hopeful Perrin can be a happier, more stable child.

Happy 6th Birthday to my live-in Zen Master

Six years ago at this exact moment, I went into labor with the coolest, funniest, and most incredible human being I've ever known. I won't go into specifics on the labor, cuz nobody wants to hear all that, but I will say that I cherish every second of it all to bring this unique and special child into this world.
When I was pregnant with Perrin, I read this book called "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting" back when I was a more devout Buddhist than I am today. It was refreshing and honest, and there was one part that rings especially true for me today. The author compared children to zen masters in that they are ever evolving, adapting to what is around them. "They are undeniably present. They are constantly learning, developing, changing, and requiring new responses from us. As they grow, they seem to challenge every place that we might be holding an expectation, a fixed opinion, a cherished belief, a desire for things to be a certain way." Children teach us about the world, about ourselves, how to be in each moment without obsessing about what will happen in the next. Perrin has been my greatest and most faithful teacher in this way. He embodies both consistency and unpredictability. He lives in a world apart from ours, and some days I want so desperately for him to spend more time in ours, and on others, I envy him the ability to exist inside himself without thought or care to the chaos that surrounds him. He is beautiful and strange and has many gifts to give the world. I can't wait to see what he does next.

Just the knitting

This post contains no mention of anything that doesn't involve yarn and needles and sweatery goodness.

The Montera Heather Tuck Bodice or some such nonsensically named sweater has been completed. The sewing was every bit the pain in the ass that I suspected it would be. In the 4 years I've been knitting, this was only the 2nd sweater I've attempted to knit in pieces and sew together. I'm a huge fan of the top-down sweater knitting in one piece b/c I am not gifted in the art of sewing. The following picture may make it appear that I have, indeed, successfully constructed a nifty little cardigan, when in fact, the inside looks fairly jacked up from my ineptitute. However, it looks pretty decent from the outside, and honestly, who in the universe would ever flip it wrong side out and inspect the seams? Only another knitter, and I tend to avoid letting those peeps look too closely at my construction.
So, here are the deets.
Pattern: Montera Heathered Tuck Bodice Cardigan from Classic Elite #9105 Saturday Afternoon Booklet.
Needle Size: US 8
Yarn: Naturally Caron Country. It's a lovely charcoal merino/acrylic blend. Pretty damn soft and fairly decent to knit with; a bit splitty at times, but nice to work with.
Honestly, that's all I'm going to talk about in this post. No talk of any neurological unpleasantness at all :) Just my obsessive knitting addiction.

The uphill battle worth fighting

I posted recently on the difficult, often painful journey through autism that we are taking. Sometimes, when we are in the middle of the climb, it's hard to see the destination. The peak. We can only see what's directly beneath our feet, and each step seems more daunting than the last. It's easy to forget the reward at the top - the breathtaking view. And now that I've hammered this metaphor to death, I'll move on to my point.
I'm honestly starting to believe that the end of this journey can be joy. That, along with a wonderful team of therapists, teachers, and of course me and John, Perrin has a true chance of greatness. That all of my hopes and dreams for him may actually come to pass. I will never give up. Never back down. Never forget that with every day that passes, Perrin learns a little more, talks a little more. I am starting to see the traits that seen in a 5 yr old are frustrating and exhausting can actually be strengths for him as an adult. He's bright and tenacious and knows what he wants in this life. I wish I was a little more like that actually. So I suppose what I'm saying is that (returning to my little metaphor) I am at a point right now where I can look up and see the beauty that is around me while I continue the climb.

Knitting and Life

So, most of my life these days has revolved around autism. Since the Christmas break, Perrin's behavior has been very erratic and sometimes very aggressive. He simply cannot cope with a huge change in his daily routine, and the 2 weeks he was at home with me, though very fun and pleasant, really threw him off, and he's still recovering. However, in the process of getting him back on track, we're dealing with a lot of unpleasantness. Autism is a thief that steals from my child. It takes his joy, his feeling of safety, his progress and leaves behind a child who doesn't yet have the language capability to express his frustrations, his anger. It's heartbreaking to watch your child struggle, to constantly be on the outside, never quite understanding how to play with his friends. My family lives in a bubble, and Perrin seems content most of the time to exist inside that bubble, never leaving the safety and comfort of his home, but the longer we stay inside, the harder it is to leave. I've returned to a sort of hermit-like existence, and I myself am slowly losing my ability to interact with my friends. It's almost easier to not even try to be a part of the world that doesn't understand what our life is like. I know my friends and family care and love us, but with a few extraordinary exceptions, they will never get it. I see the pity and confusion on their faces. I've been told "He'll grow out of it." I haven't yet lost hope that one day Perrin may live what we might consider a "normal" life, but I'm not delusional enough to think that one day he will suddenly wake up and no longer be autistic. I have the same hopes for Perrin that all mothers have of their children. I want him to be happy, fall in love, have a career. But right now I'd be happy with him writing his name, eating with a fork, having a conversation. Things I wish I could take for granted. Perrin is hilarious, affectionate, and has a great personality. He is my whole world. I have to force myself to not make autism my whole world. It is a daily battle.

Now that the bummer portion is over, I am still a knitter. And this is a knitting blog, so now for some yarny goodness. My current project is a lovely cardigan for myself.

I've got the entire body knitted up, currently working on the 1st sleeve. It's been going rather quickly, as the yarn (NaturallyCaron Country in a gorgeous charcoal gray) just flies off the needles. It's a luscious merino blend that is uber soft and should be very warm and toasty. It'll likely take me days to sew up all the pieces, b/c I suck at sewing, but I'm excited about getting it completed. That's all I'm working on right now

Best of 2009 - Music Edition

Let's begin with the greatest rock band of all time. Think I'm exaggerating? Then you've obviously never experienced Muse. I discovered Muse 10 years ago when John and I were dating in San Marcos. A little song called "Muscle Museum" was played mostly just on the college radio station, and I fell in love. Their music is epic; a little bit Queen, a little bit Depeche Mode, a whole lot of awesome. So my pick for the best album of 2009 is Muse's "The Resistance." From start to finish, the listener is in their world, a dystopia of Orwellian fascism and revolution. And apparently, teddy bears.


And in no particular order b/c it's impossible, the rest of the best.

Florence and the Machine. What's not to love? Kickass redhead. Check. Voice so powerful it could drive you to tears. Check. Lyrics so beautiful it makes it hard to breathe. Check. Her album, "Lungs" is one of those albums you put on repeat on a bad day, a good day, during sex, during a fight. You get the point. I've said "Cosmic Love" is probably the most painfully beautiful songs I've ever heard, and I stand by that statement. Judge for yourself.


Bat for Lashes. If you, like me, like science fantasy books, love "Lord of the Rings" and just in general wish magic was real and sometimes want to escape into a fairy tale, then "Two Suns" is the album for you. Ethereal, whimsical, enchanting, haunting, this is an album about lost love, a love torn apart by distance and is split between Natasha and her alter ego, Pearl. It sounds a little weird, but it worked for me and other whimsical fairy-tale loving geeks like me. My favorite - "Glass." It's just very sexy and striking.



Gossip. "Men in Love" No list of the best of anything would be complete without my darling Beth Ditto. In my richest fantasies I could never be as badass as Beth. Watching her sing live was one of the highlights of my year. Her voice has a lioness power to it, and listening to this album makes me miss my old club kid days where I could drink and dance until 4am, go to work, and then repeat as needed. Best songs are "Heavy Cross," "Vertical Rhythm," and "2012." If you like a good bassline, glitter, glam, and excess in every way, please do enjoy.


There are a lot of decent honorable mentions that are still far superior to most of the crap out there.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs "It's Blitz" It's good, not great. They're still one of my favorite bands, and I'm tickled pink by Karen O's adorable "Where the Wild Things Are" soundtrack, but this album was kind of a disappointment. Again, still better than most. "Runaway" "Heads Will Roll" "Zero" - all highly recommended.
Tori Amos "Abnormally Addicted To Sin" Hate to say this, but again, not great. There are some gorgeous tracks here like "Give" and "Ophelia" but for the most part, it's just okay. She hasn't been able to touch "Scarlet's Walk" and likely never will. She's still a goddess and should be worshipped accordingly
Imogen Heap "Ellipse" I was really looking forward to this one b/c her last album was breathtaking, but this one I just haven't been able to get into as much.

Next year is looking to be great in music. Interpol and Sia both have albums coming out in the next few months, and I hear rumor of a Maynard James Keenan project - probably Puscifer.

30 Day Shred progress

I started Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred on Thur, so today I'll be doing day 3 of Level 1. I'm going to track my daily progress here to urge myself on.

Day 1 - I pushed through the entire workout without any breaks, but I was ready to die by the end of it. Was massively sore in the thighs and ass the entire day.

Day 2 - I really didn't want to do it b/c I was still really sore and hobbling up and down my stairs, but with John's motivation (Do it!) I muddled through it taking only a couple of 5 sec breaks to catch my breath. Took a long hot soak with epsom salts and crashed.

Today I'll be doing Day 3 even though I'm still really sore.

My goal is 10 lbs or at least a few inches off my waistline for Kelly's wedding on July 29 in Vegas. No more muffin top!!!!

I am knitting but with all my stress and my obsession with a new vampire novel series, I have been slacking a bit on that. I never really knit much in the summer anyway. Slowly and only when I really feel like it.